Uncertainty deserves love, too.

I have felt quieter than usual lately. I am one with the words and normally have a really easy time expressing and communicating with others how I feel. But not lately. Lately being like: the last two months. Since the spring shift, really. With Spring comes a lot of movement, transitions, and in my world: uncertainty. It was not just one particular situation either, it was literally every piece of my life feeling the same thing. I did what I could to understand more. I read, I researched symptoms and the lunar cycle, I practiced a lot of Yoga, I sat and meditated, I talked to my classes, I talked to friends, I had (some) alone time, I cried a lot, I forgave people from my past, I had many coaching calls with my coach, I journaled, I forced myself to write down what I was grateful for most days,  I started acupuncture, and I cut out all threatening foods and went ketogenic for the first time. Like, I did a lot of things to try and understand more of what I was feeling. But guess what? I found no answers. At one point I thought and even said aloud, “am I depressed? I don’t think I am. I have been depressed before and this isn’t it. But what the fuck is this?” It was days, turned weeks, turned months. It was exhausting. It depleted everything within me trying to search for a fucking answer. I felt hopeless and wanted to give up. And then, after weeks of “doing” I decided to switch gears and just practice “being”. I decided to take space. I decided to be silent. To allow my self space to fucking FEEL. It was painful. It was lonely. It was really fucking difficult. But guess what? It worked. This past weekend was the final sprint of the uphill climb. I made it to the top. But not because I figured anything out. But because I gave my self space to feel every sensation that came to surface. I sat with it. I moved with it. I breathed with it. And I don’t just mean physical space but also emotional and energetic space. I stopped trying to find the answer or the reason. And that is why I made it to the top of the mountain. It is so refreshing to give yourself space. Space to shift, transition, and bloom. It is like a flower transitioning into spring. She knows her petals will eventually bloom with the right amount of light and temperature. So she waits, and feels, and eventually blossoms and feels certain about herself again. Until the next big transition that is. So my dear friend, if you too have been feeling the shifts of Spring and haven’t just yet bloom, stay patient. Trust the process even when it brings confusion, doubt, and uncertainty. It will make some sense again.

With gratitude,