Chapter 14: Vulnerable AF

January 27th, 2019

Good morning, good afternoon, and good evening to you my dear reader, my friend. I hope your heart is warm. I hope your belly is full. I hope your body is rested. I hope that you experience peace today.

It’s been about two weeks since I last sent out a newsletter and I knew I wanted to sit down and write at some point this weekend but had no clue what I would end up sharing. Since publishing my book last week, I have felt…a lot. Excitement, happy, vibrant, proud. But also very much: anxious, doubtful, and vulnerable. Leading up to the release of my book, I was also feeling all of those feelings. I had days where I felt brave and certain. I also had days where I felt scared and uncertain. I had days where my self talk was positive and days where my self talk was negative. In addition to all of that, I also chose to change how I was showing up in my place of work. I chose to let go of a costume/a style/a format, that many have taken to love over the years. I chose to create my own unique class because that is what felt genuine to my heart. But with this change, came vulnerability. With the release of my book, came vulnerability.

My vulnerability has been shaking things up big time.

So much so, that I questioned publishing my book after I did it.
So much so, that I questioned going back to teaching a style of yoga I felt I had outgrown.
And why?
To maintain my popularity.
To maintain my following.
To maintain attention.
To maintain comfort.
To please others.

Maybe I shouldn’t have written a book that was so confronting.
Maybe I should have left out the extremely personal, heart-breaking, stories.
Maybe I should just teach Hatha Yoga because I’m good at it.
Maybe I shouldn’t write weekly newsletters because my words aren’t impacting anyone.

Sabotage.
Sabotage.
Sabotage.

Where do all of these sabotaging thoughts and stories come from? I believe they come from a place of fear. A place we all know well. A place we have all dropped into and have stayed for awhile.
Fear of being different.
Fear of being unliked.
Fear of being too much.
Fear of being alone.

What we fear most can transform our lives depending on how we dance with it. We can lead with fear or we can lead with courage. We can stay comfortable or we can take risks. We can lead with ego or we can lead with love.

I am choosing vulnerability. I am choosing authenticity. I am choosing risk. I am choosing imperfection. I am choosing love.

“True belonging requires us to believe in and belong to ourselves so fully that we can find sacredness both in being a part of something and in standing alone when necessary. But in a culture that’s rife with perfectionism and pleasing, and with the erosion of civility, it’s easy to stay quiet, hide in our ideological bunkers, or fit in rather than show up as our true selves and brave the wilderness of uncertainty and criticism. But true belonging is not something we negotiate or accomplish with others; it’s a daily practice that demands integrity and authenticity. It’s a personal commitment that we carry in our hearts.” ~ from Braving The Wilderness, by Brene Brown.

I sometimes may feel like I am standing alone in the wilderness as I move deeper into my authentic self, and as I keep choosing vulnerability, but fuck…I am living.

Thank you for being here.
I love you.

With gratitude,
bg

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