Chapter 2: Inner dialogue

October 26th, 2018

Chapter 2: Inner Dialogue

One of my teachers of meditation, who I have studied with intimately over the years, always started his online talks with: good morning, good afternoon, and good evening. It always made me smile, mainly because he said it with a HUGE grin on his face followed by a giggle, and I think I am going to adopt it.

Good morning, good afternoon, and good evening to you. Wherever you may be while choosing to read this, I hope your heart feels nourished, feels warm, feels love.
I spent half of the morning with my daughter and since she left I have been tending to my heart. Honoring what my heart is needing and doing my best to give it just that. Writing and sharing through words makes my heart feel warm. So, thank you for being here.

I am going to get right into a story. Here we go.

On Tuesday morning, my daughter and I headed to the airport for our first trip to Disneyland. This trip had been booked for months and for whatever reason, I didn’t feel much excitement leading up. As a kid, this was the most magical and exciting trip I had ever been on so I felt a bit perplexed as to why I was so underwhelmed. There was only one way to find out and that was to simply experience it!
By the time we got there and settled into our room I noticed a shift in energy. I was excited to experience this with my daughter! I was excited for her to experience the magic that is Disneyland. She put on her sweet Belle dress and we headed out for an early dinner which yes, involved lots of characters! When she first saw Mickey Mouse, her entire being glowed as if a light literally turned on inside of her. She squealed and jumped around and ran to him for a big hug. It was so darling to witness.
The next day we went to the park. We were up at 6 AM on the dot and out until about 6:30 PM. The day went as perfectly as I hoped it would. The joy, the purity, the curiosity, and the presence that my daughter embodied was so special to witness. She had just a few challenging moments within the day that were triggers from being hot, tired, and wanting to be held. SAME.

Observing Rayne brought me so much joy, to the point of tears.

Then another type of observation presented itself.
I noticed that I was surrounded by couples and partnered families. They were in front of us, behind us, to the side of us. They were fucking everywhere. I observed myself as I observed everyone around me. All of the sudden, I began to feel sad. Loneliness was also presenting itself. Again, to the point of tears.
Then, I began a dialogue in my mind.
I wondered if every couple I saw was in love.
I wondered if the partnered families were happy.
I wondered if the kids knew if their parents were happy or not.
I wondered if their kids were happier because they had partnered parents.
I wondered if my co-parenting set-up was beneficial or sabotaging for Rayne’s emotional well-being.
I wondered if Rayne’s father would have more kids and if Rayne would be forgotten about, just as I experienced as a child with my mother.
I wondered if Rayne’s dad would love his nonexistent future kids more.
I wondered if the way I showed up as a parent would wound Rayne.
I wondered if I’d ever be partnered again.
I wondered, and wondered, and wondered. To the point of mental exhaustion. Until I felt entirely worthless and had sabotaged myself. Mind you, I’m walking around Disneyland park as this dialogue is happening. Needless to say, I likely wasn’t being very present, or was I?
Then another observation. I recognized that I was sabotaging myself and that my inner dialogue was entirely in my control. Should I continue with this sabotaging dialogue or should I choose a new one?
We headed back to our hotel room for lunch and a quick change. I asked my dad to take Rayne down into the lobby so I could meditate. I happened to pack some lavender essential oil so I lathered that on and took a seat. I sat for about 12 minutes. I checked in with my physical body, my mind, and my heart. I remember my body feeling strong, my mind feeling tired, and my heart feeling joyfulness and sadness simultaneously. I didn’t try to “fix” anything. I just observed and allowed everything I was feeling to be present. Even the loneliness.

Quick tangent: loneliness should not be linked to guilt or shame. If you feel lonely, SO BE IT, invite that shit in and let it be there. I am so over the negative dialogue around “being lonely.” If someone ever tries to invalidate you as you are feeling lonely, tell them to fuck off. As my mom says, I am passionate.

Back to my story…
Once I completed my meditation we headed back out to the park and I felt such a huge shift within me. Instead of dialoging in a sabotaging way I chose to dialogue in a powerful, expanding way. Instead of thinking about what I didn’t have, I chose to focus on what I did have. Instead of focusing on other family dynamics, I chose to focus on mine. Instead of being trapped in my mind, I chose to sink deep into my heart. Instead of closing up to the experience, I chose to open up.

My darlings, we have so much power.

Our inner harmony is entirely dependent on us.

We get to choose what nourishes us and what does not.

We also get to choose whether or not we attach to our thoughts or observe them.

What if we owned all of that power?
What if we took responsibility for everything we felt?
What if we gave ourselves permission to feel, without attaching some wild dialogue, that may or may not be true?
Is it possible?

My instinct says yes.
Keep connecting with self to find out.

With Gratitude,
Bree Irene Gwinner

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